Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Pay it forward

This morning I was at the market. That alone makes me happy. While I was shopping the fresh produce, I got a phone call from my friend, Kim. She started telling me that a lady cut her off this morning and sped up to get in front of her. Typically, Kim is a hot head. She will punch a bitch out. And that she didn't get out of the car and tell this woman off is something I haven't wrapped my head around yet. Uncharacteristically, she nicely motioned the woman on, letting her know it's fine. The lady ended up in front of her in the drive thru line at Starbucks. When Kim got to the window to pay, the cashier let her know that the woman in front of her paid for hers. Unbelievable. See what happens when you're patient? And then the guy from the market carried my bags to my car.

Her story reminded me of my experience yesterday. I was driving out of a neighborhood onto a busy street. All of a sudden there was a little Honda Accord tightly on my ass. Whoops.  Sorry, dude. Didn't realize you were going 100 mph. He drives closely behind me and fine...whatever. But he wouldn't give it up. We came to a stoplight and he stops super close behind me. I was 1 millisecond from jumping out of my car and ripping his little 20 year old head off and punting it across the field. Where in the hell can this little punk be in such a hurry to get to. Not to mention there were cars in front of me as well. If I didn't have Olivia in my car, I would have gotten out and told that little asshole to fucking relax.

Whoops...the point of this story was to remind everyone it pays to be nice.

There, Kim. I did it for you.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Things I've learned this weekend

This weekend has been a busy one. I got back from New York on Monday and while I anticipated a week of disappointment due to the yet again realization that I'm living in a less desirable part of the country, I was pleasantly surprised with a feeling of non dread.

I mean, really, leaving NYC and coming home to Alabama isn't exactly easy.

However, I had my first crawfish boil Friday night. I know it sounds crazy, and actually the crawfish thing was pretty yucko, but the party was fantastic, and I really am appreciative of the friendships I have made here. These bitches go and go and go. I like to be busy, and I love hanging out with friends, but these girls are like, "What are we doing next?" Margarita Monday. Okay. Pool play dates. Okay. Next party at my house. Okay. Beach. Check.

I love them. But they...are killing the Yankee.

I also had my first wedding Saturday night. I was a little stressed about this. I'm so out of my element with the wedding stuff. Plus, people do things differently here. I don't mean that in a bad way...just cultural stuff, I suppose. The wedding party Saturday was a little....rough. They were all drinking before the ceremony, which makes my job a lot harder. No one cared that it was time to start. The groomsmen were hiccuping right before showtime (I believe it was something along the lines of, "Good God" or "Jesus Christ" that came out of my mouth loudly and directly.), and the girls all decided they needed to go to the bathroom as we started walking toward the beach.

Oh yeah...

Beach weddings are a bitch. Way too far to walk. Walking in the sand sucks. And you know what, weddings themselves are pretty stupid. Yep, that's right. Weddings. Are. Stupid.

As I gathered the bride and groom for the cake cutting, I realized there are two champagne glass looking things that also resembled candle holders on the cake table. I asked the bride if there's champagne for the glasses.

"Just grab two beers."

Thank you for that. You just made my night.

During the reception, a guest started humping the large pole in the middle of the dance floor. If I ever get so drunk that I lift my leg on a pole, someone better punch me hard in the face.

The company I work for is not inexpensive. The condominiums where they were staying and got married were pretty nice. I was so confused as to what was going on.

The only thing I knew of for sure was that the DJ I worked with was a Jewish actor from LA and I loved him.


Sunday, we drove to New Orleans with my brother and Katie for Veggie Fest. It was very cool. Lots of new ideas, literature, samples, hippies, and.........hairy women. I love hippies almost as much as I love Jews and gays. The difference is I don't really want to hang out with them. I was standing with my brother who was holding Olivia and the hairiest women of them all walked up to us with her unibrow, armpit hair, and bare feet and said, "You are such a beautiful family." Todd responded immediately with, "That's my sister."
Uhhh...she didn't ask for a threesome, Todd. Relax. Todd is pretty loose himself; he's totally vegan, uses nothing made with animal products, and is a bit of a tree hugger, but if anyone references the two of us together he is totally weirded out. Case in point.

And then there's Scott...Scott was miserable. It started off badly when he realized it costs $10 each to even enter. I was so pissed at myself for even thinking he should come. He convinced Emma to yell, "Where's the beef?" in her little 5 yr old voice. What a jackass. Both of them.

We left the hippy haven, and walked around New Orleans. I have a love/hate relationship with that city. It's not interesting enough to explain, but the jist of it is that it's dirty and has a lot of incense stores, which I hate. But I love that I don't care how I feel or the impression I give when I'm there.

I don't really know how to end this.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sleepless in Alabama

I have been doing some strange things in my sleep recently.

This morning I woke myself up laughing. I was dreaming that I was in the elevator of a hotel with the girls with whom I work and every time we got out of the elevator, it was a steep downhill slope. So we would fall out of the elevator toppling over each other and eventually landing in disarray against a wall with our luggage all landing on us. I laughed every time. I'm still laughing just thinking about it. Can you imagine??

And then there's my Olivia dreams. That kid is taking years off my life. Nearly every night I jump out of bed looking for Olivia. Scott is pretty sick of this since I wake him up a few times a night by suddenly jumping up.

I'll tell you a bit about the dream he liked...

Last week I had an impromptu drunk evening with Katie. We got drunk on a Sunday night, which ended in needing someone to come pick us up. Around here, getting drunk on a Sunday night is a bit frowned upon. So is yelling "Jesus" when you get pissed off. Whoopsie.

I'm still not clear if it was the rum or earlier conversations, but my dream that night prompted me to act out, and before I knew it, I was in a compromising situation, which when I awoke led to a lot of confusion. The next morning, Scott asked, "What were YOU dreaming about last night??"

"Not you."