Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Funny People in Alabama

I saw something today that reminded me of some funny things that I have witnessed since living down here. So I'm sharing them with you.

1.  I had just arrived at the gas station to get gas. I hate getting gas. It is the 21st century. You would think there would be a better way to fuel your car other than having to manually open your gas tank, push buttons on a machine and lift the gas gun and stick it in your car. Ugh. I hate it. Not this particular day though. I pulled up just in time for a guy to finish pumping gas, get in his car. and drive away with the gas gun STILL IN his car. The pump jerked out of his tank and onto the ground. He got out, looked at the pump, picked it up and stood and stared at the gas pump. He was obviously embarrassed and didn't know what else to do. I, on the other hand, was laughing so hard I had to lay flat in my car so he couldn't see me. That might have been the funniest thing I have ever seen.

2.  I was walking downtown, on my way to pick up Emma from school. I was walking by a bed and breakfast when I heard rustling in the bushes and then "Dagnammit!" I looked and a lady, about 60 years old, had fallen backwards into the bushes. She was laying with her feet in the air and her butt sunken down in the bushes. Again, I laughed and hurried off.

3. Today, I was driving downtown and saw a lady walking two petite, fragile dogs. Two men were walking by her, in the same direction, one said something to her (I'm assuming about the dogs), and while he was looking at her, talking, he tripped OVER one of the dogs! He is a big man! He could have killed that little dog!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

You might be a redneck when....

So last night I sat down with Emma to work on her homework. In it, she had to illustrate something that rhymes with "sun", so she drew a picture of a bun. Then, she had to illustrate something that rhymes with "star". I was thinking "car" would be the accurate and appropriate word. Then the phone rang, and it's my brother who is only calling to harass me. I become super annoyed, and am also trying to look at what Emma is drawing so I ask, "What is that?"
"It's a bar."
"A bar?"
"Yeah."
"Oh okay."...thinking it's a bar like a straight line, which is what's on the paper.
Then there are little things on top of the bar.
"Todd, do you want something? I gotta go. Emma, what's on top of the bar?"
"Drinks and food."

Ohhhhhh. Darn it.

That's exactly what I was hoping not to happen.

I hope her teacher has a good sense of humor.

Friday, October 9, 2009

It's My Show And I'll Have Sex With Whoever I Want

Why are we still talking about David Letterman having sex with his staff? Who in the hell cares about this? And who HASN'T had sex with their employer???

Oh.

Still. Who cares.

One Two Three Four. Uno Dos Tres Quattro

It was only a matter of time. Zumba has changed my life. I am in love with it and want to marry it. I have done my share of aerobics/workouts/weight loss strategies. I've saran wrapped my waist. I've wrapped elastic things around my thighs. I've tried starvation. I've tried only walking on my tip toes. I've even done aerobics and lifted weights, but that's so old fashioned I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I was naive enough to think that would work or stick.

There is nothing I haven't and will not try. I'm above nothing.

Then came along Zumba. It is a dance fitness class that incorporates hip hop, belly and latin dancing for an intense energetic, awesome workout. The music and dancing is a BLAST! I literally feel like I'm on vacation every time I'm there. My class has about 200 people of all different ages...and sizes. Most of them are a bit lost (not me of course), but there are no mirrors and you're so fixated on trying to imitate the instructor, no one cares what they look like. The instructor has a rockin body and has the moves to back it up. I stare at her so hard to keep up with the moves, that I actually start to believe that I look like her. It's liberating, it's an ego boost, it's FUN. It's an ass shaker. And kicker. Last night I started to have flashbacks of my dance class days. The instructor was looking in my direction and I thought she was going to yell at me "5, 6, 7, 8! Come on!" But she didn't, and I was just a tad bit disappointed. I wanted to relive my teenage years for just a minute.

And then I came home and ate a quarter of a chocolate cake.

Damn it.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Free Range or Caged Kids


Yesterday I was at our local bookstore, which is just about the cutest thing you'll ever see, and started scanning the parenting books. Mostly I was looking at books about vaccines. It's become an obsession of mine, and in case you're wondering, no I am not vaccinating. I did it with Emma and doubted myself every time I took her in for a well baby check up. I took Olivia for her first well-baby check up, talked the dr out of as many vaccines as I could, and still felt horrible about injecting her with poison. And by poison, I mean formaldehyde, mercury, aluminum, aspartame, aborted fetal tissue, calf serum, monkey fetal lung cells and kidney tissue, and much, much more. I also don't understand how they can rationalize injecting the same vaccine into children of all different sizes and ages.

Moving on...

So I picked up a book named, "Free Range Kids". I'm all about anything free range so I read the introduction and wasn't as sold as I thought I would be. The author basically states that we are overprotective with our children and need to remove the bubble wrap and let them LIVE. She gained worldwide recognition for becoming the worst mom in the world because she let her 9 year old take the subway by himself in New York. She discusses our obsession with safety, the unrealistic worry of our children being abducted (the statistics are shockingly, but really not so shockingly low), fewer children walking to school, and our judgment of other parents who have a more laid back approach. This really resonates with me. I am of the laid back type, but when it comes to my children, their safety is unquestionable. I would have to kill someone if anything happened to either one of them. I've had to warn my mother so she doesn't get too relaxed while my girls are under her care. We've already had a couple of situations where I worried I would have to be involuntarily committed because of her lack of good judgment.

I agree with this author. I do. I totally understand where she's coming from. I appreciate what she's doing with her kids and WISH I could be like this. But I can't. So while I won't be allowing Emma to walk to school anytime soon or letting Olivia stick her fingers in any outlets, I see this woman's point and wish I could be more on board with her. I am interested in reading more about free range kids though and, from what I read, would suggest it to other parents. We are all a little too uptight and quick to judge other parents so I think there is something to be learned from this book.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Moonwalking

I bought Michael Jackson's "Number Ones" CD last night. I was pretty excited about it. I've been waiting for a CD like this to come out. Maybe it's been out all along and I never knew it, but this is the first I've seen of it. I snatched it up, quickly scanned the list of songs and threw it in my shopping basket. I started walking away and then BAM. Madonna has come out with a best hits CD too! Where have I been??? A time long ago I knew when new music was coming out. I guess I'm over that stage now, but two greats have greatest hits. I grabbed the CD, scanned the song list and contemplated, both, Madonna, or Michael. I put Madonna back and stuck with my first instinct. So today I was listening to my new CD. I can't even tell you the last time I bought a new CD. It was a little weird. And at first I was a little disappointed. I knew all of the songs, but it didn't give me the feelings I was hoping to have upon hearing his voice or the familiar groundbreaking songs of my youth. It's not a CD I want to listen to over and over again. Then again, I bore easily of most everything in my life....and I'm pretty sure I'm dead inside, so is this a huge surprise? Probably not.

Then, came on Smooth Criminal. It reminded me of a dance I did when I was 16 for either a recital or competition. Of course I can't remember, and even more disappointing I can't remember a single thing about the dance. The song made me want to grab a hat, straddle a chair and rock my head though. I'm sure this looks better in my imagination than it would in real life. I also wondered if I would hit my mouth on the back of the chair while really rocking my head back and forth. Kinda makes me cringe because I think it would really hurt, and it's entirely possible that could happen.
But finally, a song that made me want to move. That's what I loved about Michael Jackson.


Then, another song came on. "I just can't stop loving you." The rawness of his voice is nothing short of beautiful. It captured my heart, my emotion (what I have anyway), and I heard a tenderness about Michael that I think the world has missed way before he died. I love music with no stuff in the background. Miley Cyrus even sings a song that I actually kind of enjoy because she didn't have all that garbage going in the background. It sounds fresh, and at the risk of repeating myself, raw. I don't know how else to explain it.