Hoarders Non Anonymous

I have too much stuff.

I feel weighed down by it. It is smothering me. My house is constantly in disarray because there is shit everywhere. I don't think I would qualify for a hoarders episode on Oprah, but I might. No, I wouldn't.

My kids have too many toys, too many clothes, and there's not enough space. This isn't even my house anymore. It's theirs. It's like I'm trying to fight their stuff for a place for my stuff and so everyone's stuff is everywhere. So I've started to hate it.

Today I decided to go through everything and if I'm not using it, it's getting thrown out. I realize "everything" is very broad and most likely a sign that this is a task that will never end. I'm determined though.

So I started in the attic. I don't know what is up there and it's really hard to walk on 2 inch beams with a huge tote in your arms. I fell off the beams a few times and wondered if I could really fall through the ceiling...and getting the totes down the ladder was another challenge. I actually thought that I might fall down and knock myself unconscious. The garage door guy was coming over so I knew that if I did become unconscious, he would find me and everything would be okay. Except he would see my huge mess, which might be a little humiliating.

Obviously, the garage is a mess now, too. I found totes of Emma's shoes as a baby, and emptied them onto the garage floor to look through them. The number of shoes she has had in her 5 yrs of life is astonishing. I'm embarrassed at how much shit she actually has as a whole. Olivia, already being the boy I never wanted, is already showing signs of defiance so I'm expecting she will hate everything that has preceded her.

I have no problem acknowledging that I have no use for things and accepting that I should get rid of stuff. It's actually quite liberating. The problem is I don't want to throw it in the trash. I have some weird attachment disorder that prohibits me from throwing my belongings into the garbage. I may not use them anymore, but they don't deserve to be in the stinky GARBAGE. And the goodwill pretty much is the garbage, so that is not really an option either.

I'm hoping it will just take some time. Eventually, I will get sick of looking at the pile and feel better about putting it on the curb. Hopefully.